Fathomless billows of love...

Written on Friday, October 22, 2010:


I've debated with myself on whether or not to share certain details of my personal life with the world via this small little blog, but I don't think I can move forward without acknowledging things that happen that are life changing, both good and bad.  I feel I am obligated to myself to at least be as genuine as I initially set out to be when I started this blog--even if that means I have to discuss the more ugly side of life as I stare it straight in the face.  I'm not even sure that people actually read this blog or care about the things that go on in my world; but I write to collect the bits and pieces of this journey so that I can put the puzzle of God's will together and look back at all the wonderful things He has done.  I imagine that someday I'll get all these posts printed and bound and be able to pass it to our children and grandchildren so that they will know about life before they existed, and they will see the love Jesus, the comfort of the Holy Spirit, and the amazing grace of the awesome God we serve.


Having prefaced this blog post with that disclaimer, I now sit in wait on a return phone call from a doctor who is scheduling my dnc; a procedure I never dreamed I would have.  These past two weeks have been beyond surreal.  From extreme joy and celebration with our dear families and some friends as we shared our incredible news, to complete and utter sadness in a matter of days.  I was officially nine weeks two days pregnant when we went in for our first ultrasound.  Nervous excitement and hopefulness filled our hearts as we dreamed of what we would see in the first pictures of our baby.  What we were met with was a painfully silent ultrasound and a view of an empty gestational sac.  After ten minutes alone in an exam room someone we had never met came in and harshly informed us that "one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that's what's happening to you."  Shocked and speechless at the news and lack of care in the delivery of this information, we were understandably devastated.  Andy took me straight to my mom's house, where she encouraged us not to give up just yet, and to get a second opinion.  Prayers and encouragements poured in from friends and family.


We met that same week with a new doctor recommended to us by a trusted friend.  She took a second look and reported to us the same bad news we had gotten earlier that week (but in a much more thoughtful and compassionate way).  We were presented with a small handful of options and signs to watch for, and she agreed to let us wait and see what happened over the next week or so.  That was the longest and most emotional week of my life, but through the waiting and not knowing we experienced so much love and care from our friends and family.  In my lifetime I have never actually felt the prayers of others, but without a doubt during this past week and a half I have.  


I spent a lot of time seeking the Lord's wisdom and comfort, and He surrounded me with His peace.  I heard from the Lord in my quiet times.  He showed up in big ways and reminded me of His unending love and let me know that He has good things in store for us (Jeremiah 29:11-13, Romans 8:28), even if what's happening right now is beyond my understanding.  I was praying for a miracle; and trusting God that no matter what the outcome He is still in control.  What was revealed to me I wrote in my previous post on God's goodness, written in the thick of it all, just one day before our third ultrasound.  I was questioning God about how to have faith for a miracle, yet still be prepared for whatever His will was regarding this pregnancy.  Then He met me with this incredible loving response, and I was faced with a couple of questions: "What is faith, anyway?"  and "Does God's goodness change?"  The answer, for me, addresses both...Faith is believing that God will do whatever He wants (and trusting Him to do it), in His own timing, in whatever way He can best be glorified--and my capacity to comprehend what He does will not change the fact that He is always, undeniably, ridiculously good.


Walking into that third ultrasound with this revelation was so powerful for me.  I hoped and prayed for that miracle, but knew that whatever happened, God's plans for us are still good.  A crazy amount of calmness kicked in once the ultrasound began, and as we looked at the image of the still empty gestational sac, I was overcome with peace--the kind of peace you read about in John 14:27 or sing about in that old hymn Wonderful Peace..."Peace, peace, wonderful peace, coming down from the Father above! Sweep over my spirit forever, I pray in fathomless billows of love!


It's true that in your weakness Christ is strong...I have experienced that in these past few days.  Don't get me wrong, I still have my fair share of meltdowns; tears and grief can still be found, but even at my lowest moments I find strength in knowing that God, the creator of all life, is holding me close.  I have come to know the indescribable comfort of His Holy Spirit, and I'm stepping into the healing Jesus offers.  This is a process.  This is a journey.  I'm already not the same person I was before.  I'm stronger.  My marriage is stronger.  My faith is stronger.  What the enemy meant to harm me, God is using for His glory.


Please keep us in your prayers as we proceed with surgery and healing.